Feelings vs. behavior

Q:  I am having a hard time getting over my boyfriend.  He was abusive to me and I am suffering the effects, such as a broken tooth and bad feelings about myself.  I know I am better off without him (he left town with another girl) but I feel like I want him back.  I'm reading the right books, like Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood, but my feelings still go out to him.  Please help.  O.B.

A:  You're already progressing on the path of recovery, because you know that you are better off without him, and you haven't tried to get him back.

There is nothing wrong with love, and you loved, and still love, this man.  There is nothing wrong (or right) about any feeling.  Feelings just are what they are and need to be accepted.

The key is not to let feelings leak into behavior unless it is safe and appropriate to do so.  Eventually feelings will follow along.  You will probably go through the stages of grief (depression, anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance) before you are able to move on emotionally.  One day you will suddenly realize that you have moved on, and the love you feel now has turned into a neutral acceptance of the way things were and the way they have turned out.

Keep aware that feelings do not have to be followed by acting on the feelings.  Accept your own grief - the love, the hatred that may follow, the anger - but do not act on these feelings, except to process them for yourself in healthy ways.  Act on what you know to be your best interest.

Read the list at the back of Robin Norwood's book - the ten characteristics of women who have recovered from "loving too much."  Read it again every couple of months, and measure your growth by those standards.

And employ the tool of "radical acceptance."  Accept the opposite truths - you have loved this man, and he is not good for you.  I wish you the best.