"Enantiodromia"

Q: I have tried hard to curb the rebellious behavior of my 16-year-old daughter.  I am a single father and she is my only child.  I do not want her to turn out like her mother, who died from a drug overdose.  Due to her rebellion I have set her curfew at 8 p.m., no exceptions.  And I do not allow her to wear make-up.  Otherwise she leads a normal life for a 16-year-old.  I am thinking of home-schooling her due to all the drug use even during school hours.  She cries in her room a lot and I found a note in one of her textbooks asking a friend to run away with her.  I'm at my wit's end.  Can you help? J.E.

A: At age 16, your daughter needs to be able to safely explore her place in the world in which she is soon to be an adult.  Can you allow her some freedom to explore safely, with your support?

There is a little-known word that you might consider, in light of the restrictions you have set.  It is enantiodromia.  Basically, it is the phenomenon of trying so hard to achieve a certain result, that the exact opposite is achieved.

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your wife through a drug overdose.  Your daughter's own loss of a mother may be her best deterrent against drug use.  Raising a child is a challenge under any circumstances.  Can you discover your daughter's interests, and share them with her?  Does she like music?  Do you allow her friends to come over?  Get to know them, and explore the world she is entering with her.

If she is currently in public school, I do not recommend starting home-schooling now.  She is likely to perceive it as further restriction, when what she needs is expansion.

Don't hesitate to seek professional help to discover norms that will help your daughter develop in a healthy way.  There might be counseling resources available through her school.  It is a sign of maturity and strength to ask for help, as you have done in making this inquiry.  Keep exploring.  It is a sign of fatherly love to learn ways to safely begin to let your daughter go.  I wish you the best.