Children's Self-Care

Q:  My husband recently left me with our two young children, a 4-year-old son, and a 7-year-old daughter, for another woman.  My family blames me because I am the wife and should have been able to stop his straying.  My little girl is trying to take care of me.  Of course, I am broken-hearted.  How can I take better care of her in this crisis? P.G.

A:  There are two things you can do for your children at this time.  First, take care of yourself.  Get the professional, objective counseling you need, and utilize the adult support network you have.  Do you have a friend who cares and understands?  Reduce or eliminate your contact with those who will only add to your grief at this difficult time.  Know that your husband is responsible for his own choices and behavior; you are not.  Utilize the tool of journaling, modernly called "scribotherapy" because it works.  Write to your husband - a letter he will never see - strictly for your own process.  In this letter, concentrate on two things:  your feelings, any that you recall from the time you first met him, to your feelings as you are writing this letter.  Then "tell him" the ways in which he changed or impacted your life.  Remember - this letter is for your process, NOT for him to see. 

The second thing you can do for your children, after tending to your own self-care, is to get them an objective presence, preferably a counselor who specializes in children's grief and adjustment issues.  Young children don't share feelings or thoughts with parents which may upset the parents, as they would with a qualified outside, objective presence.

A critical time such as you are facing is also a time of great opportunity.  Seize the chance for positive change.  You will be much stronger when you have grown through this heartache.