What is "radical acceptance"?

Q: My father molested me during my pre-pubescent years, and then I got in trouble and was sent away.  I am afraid he did it to my younger sister.  She died in a car accident, and somehow I was glad for her to be away from it all.  I loved her.  I heard that he died last year, and I feel relieved.  But I loved him too.  Is this normal?  J.A.

A:  All of the feelings you have mentioned are perfectly normal, given the circumstances you describe.  It is good that you are able to articulate your feelings so clearly.

Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), introduced the concept of "radical acceptance."  When two facts are in conflict with each other they must somehow be reconciled in our psyches.  The psyche is the mind and emotions working together.

Radical acceptance requires a stretch.  We stretch to encompass the reality of two opposing extremes.  One does not rule out the other.  You have described feelings of love for your father, and feelings of relief at the death of your abuser.  Both of these feelings are normal and natural.

He deeply affected your life.  It is my hope for you that you will be able to realize some of the goals and hopes for your own life.  Define them.  How do you want your life to be?  And how can you get there?

It will help, too, if you are not already doing so, to honor the memory of your sister in specific ways.  If you can, visit her grave, especially on anniversary days (the date of her birth or death, or some other special day).  Shed tears.  Light a candle for her.  Make a memory book.  Write out memories, both good and bad, and put in pictures, or draw pictures.  Write a letter of what you would say to her now if you could.  Put it in the book.

Be assured that you are not alone.  Many, both women and men, have made the stretch, and reclaimed the personal power that is often hidden when sexual abuse occurs.