What caused the changes?

Q:  My daughter recently began seeing a counselor, and suddenly all the things I've wanted to see in her have happened -- her school performance has dramatically improved, and she is treating me (her mother) and others with respect.  The "problem" is that my critical mother recently had a stroke and can't talk anymore.  I don't know what's helped her attitude more -- the end of the criticism from her grandmother, or the counseling.  Should she continue the counseling?  She is twelve years old.  H. C.

A:  Often when a person begins counseling, there is noticeable improvement right away.  We never know exactly what triggered the improvements, whether it's the counseling, something in the environment (such as a negative factor being removed), or something else.  Sometimes the positive change comes in the natural process of maturing.

Discuss all of this with your daughter's counselor.  Try not to be too concerned with the causes of the positive changes.  The issue is, they are going in the right direction.  Often the "why" questions aren't answered until one has moved on, and the "why's" fall into place.  Maybe the "why" doesn't get answered, and that's okay.  The real questions are the "how" questions -- how do I want it to be instead, and how do I get there.

And, it is true that the best thing we can do for our children, of any age, is to take care of our own needs.  Your daughter can surmount any effects of the negative input from your mother, as she witnesses your doing so for yourself.  I suppose you were raised by this critical mother, and I wish you the very best as you replace the pattern of generations with healthy, nurturing family patterns.