Marriage - why the choices I make?

Q:  I have been married three times, spent 10 years alone, and am now cautiously exploring a new relationship.  The men were overly controlling and I was overly submissive.  My parents controlled everything I did.  My son is now in a relationship with a controlling woman.  Did I mention, "control" seems to be an issue here?  Can you offer some insight?  K.G.

A:  We often tend to marry someone who exhibits the traits of our most dysfunctional parent, while we act out the patterns exhibited by the other parent.  Having been tightly controlled by your parents, you acted out the part of the wife who submitted to the control of her husband.  Your son, raised in a home with a controlling father/stepfather and a submissive mother, may be acting out the submission while attracting a controlling mate.

The cure for carrying on the behaviors, and repeating the relationship patterns with which we were raised, is simply stated.  It may take a lifetime to effect the cure, and few do it.

The cure is a combination of self-knowledge, courage, rigorous self-examination and self-discipline, a fearless sense of adventure, a willingness to make mistakes and resume the journey, an insatiable curiosity about one's inner self, and above all, the ability to be alone, as you have been for ten years.

Being alone - a word that is a contraction of the two words "all one" - you learn to live with the person who personifies the strengths and weaknesses of both parents (and/or all parent-figures), and your very own unique strengths and weaknesses.  You have the opportunity to experiment with and hone these characteristics, when by yourself and not tied to an exclusive partner.  Some healing occurs in company with others; other healing can only occur by ourselves.  In our society, we tend to favor the benefits of "relationship" and negate the benefits of solitude.

With the self-awareness you have, noticing the consistent inter-generational pattern of "control," and with the benefit of ten years in your own company, there is hope for the new relationship you are now cautiously exploring.  Caution balanced with courage are tools that you will utilize to your advantage.  I wish you the very best on your journey.