Sex and Religious Fundamentalism

Q:  I have read your book Sex and Religious Fundamentalism.  First, let me compliment you on its conciseness and its insightfulness.  It is a rare gem on my bookshelf, and so brief!  You've said so much in so few words.  My question after reading it:  How does a parent, who was raised with the fundamentalist approach to sex, raise children while getting over their own hang-ups?  I have two teen-agers.  W. L.

A:  If you have gotten through that short text and have come to ask the question, you are already well on the way to your own answers.  Further than this, and in this brief format, I can only point you to priorities.

First, keep in the learning mode, even while you set healthy boundaries and provide consistent structure for your teenagers.  Educate yourself.  Read the time-tested classics, which will provide a bridge between your own upbringing and the values you now espouse.  Learn about yourself, which only you can do, and do not hesitate to enlist the help of a competent professional as you explore inward.

Then, learn about your children, by listening to them and learning about the challenges they face and what is on their minds.  Even as you do this, remember that the best thing any parent can do for his/her child is to tend to their own - the parent's own - growth.  This sets an example of healthy development for the child, and clears the child's path of obstacles that are unwittingly cast by parents who do not tend their own growth.

I wish you the best as you walk the path of parenthood.

Religion - the way out of it

Q:  I have wandered from church to church after leaving the hard-core Southern Baptist camp.  Have you yourself quit church entirely?  How did you do it?  E.R.

A:  Good questions, E.R.  First, have I quit church entirely...  Yes.  It was never a decision on my part to "quit church;" rather, it is an ongoing process which entails a primary relationship, putting "church" secondary.  The primary relationship is the internal spiritual reality which is 24-7 for me, and as time goes on, I find that I have never resumed the "secondary" activity of church attendance.

How did I do it?  By developing the internal relationship, which precludes the need for an external form of "worship."  We each must do this for ourselves; the steps will be made clear, one by one, as we listen to the Spirit - the "Comforter" - within us.

By the way, I too "wandered from church to church" after leaving the fundamentalist camp, until the inner reassurance became strong and constant and I understood experientially that, truly, my body is a temple within which Spirit dwells.

Marriage - Feelings for others

Q: I am 31 and have been married for two years to a wonderful man.  We are often apart because our careers take us different places.  I am always glad to be home with him, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be single again and able to go out with others.  I want to keep my marriage intact.  How can I deny these feelings for others that I have?  R.D.

A: Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they just are what they are.  Like small children or pet animals, they need to be accepted just as they are.  So I would suggest that you do not deny the feelings that you have.  Anne Wilson Schaef has written about the "obsession/repression" complex.  That which we suppress, or that which we try to repress in others, leads to obsession. 

Accept your feelings as signs that you are mentally and emotionally healthy.  Appreciation of masculine and feminine beauty and appeal is a sign of good health.  Accepted, feelings will change.  Denied, they will persist.

Then, check those feelings before they turn into behavior.  This requires good boundaries within your own psyche.

Feelings are to be accepted; behavior, including words and intentions, determines your destiny and your future.  You can continue to enjoy your marriage, and enjoy your feelings of pleasure with others, provided that you do not act in such a way that your bond with your husband is threatened.

Decision-making - how to approach it

Q: I have an important decision to make.  I find myself in a position I've been in before with other decisions.  I am at a standstill and seem to be immobilized by indecision, afraid of making the wrong choice and hurting someone without meaning to.  In this particular case, I am afraid of pain caused to the person I will replace if I accept a new job.  Can you help me break through this impasse? M.C.

A:  First, remove the judgment from yourself.  You simply have different options, not a choice between "right" and "wrong."  Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist, once said something like this, "Whatever is good for someone will always seem to be evil for someone else."  Remember that whichever choice you make will not be a wrong choice, just different from the other options you have.

Second, remember that when you were born you were given only one person to be with 24-7, until you die.  That person is yourself.  Only you can be responsible for your well-being and choices, and your choices must be based on your own path and well-being.  Therefore, if it is the best choice for you, it will ultimately be best for all others concerned.  If it is not best for you, it will not be best for anyone else.  In your particular case, it is possible that the person you will replace needs to be released from this position in order to move on to something better for him or her.

Third, the best guidance comes from within:  "Come from the heart; stay in the present; keep it simple."

I wish you the best.

Talent - how to use it

Q: Recently I left organized religion.  Here is my problem.  I was a prominent musician in a large urban church.  I was often told that my music inspired people.  Now I don't have this outlet for my music and it is causing second thoughts about quitting.  But to return in order to be able to perform music doesn't seem right, since I no longer resonate with the spirit of the church services.  Can you help?  V.G.

A: Creative talent takes an infinitude of forms.  A life lived artfully is the best artistic expression there is.

Have you been inspired by your musical offerings?  This may be the time for you to perform privately, with no tangible audience but your own ears and heart.  Allow the inspiration to fill you, and the gratitude to overflow within you.

Or perhaps it is time to allow the creativity to take other forms.  I offer no examples; they will come to you as you allow them to do so.

And, do not underestimate the value of the time you have already put in, inspiring others in the congregation you are leaving.  Just as your creativity will find other outlets, those persons will find other sources for inspiration.